Groucho--part 2

OK, one more round of Groucho sayings. It's kind of like eating peanuts--hard to stop with just a few. Enjoy.



1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



2. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.


3. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


4. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.


5. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.


6. I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

7. I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.


8. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.


9. I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

10. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.


11. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it


12. Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.


13. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.


14. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.


15. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.


16. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

17. She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

18. There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

19. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

20. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

21. Time wounds all heels.


22. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

23. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.


24. When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

25. Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.


26. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

27. You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.