Groucho--part 2

OK, one more round of Groucho sayings. It's kind of like eating peanuts--hard to stop with just a few. Enjoy.



1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



2. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.


3. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


4. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.


5. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.


6. I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

7. I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.


8. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.


9. I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

10. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.


11. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it


12. Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.


13. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.


14. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.


15. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.


16. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

17. She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

18. There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

19. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

20. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

21. Time wounds all heels.


22. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

23. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.


24. When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

25. Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.


26. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

27. You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho's comments

I'm a huge fan of Groucho Marx. His humor is sharp, unpredictable, and makes just enough sense to be thoughtful. Enjoy some of these remarks of his--

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I didn't like the play. But I saw it under unfavorable circumstances - the curtains were up.

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

I would horsewhip you if I had a horse.

I'd dance with you until the cows came home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you came home.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Nobody is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.


OK, there is plenty more wit and wisdom from Groucho, but I wanted to keep this short so all can savor his remarks. Maybe some more in a later blog.