Did you hear the one about . . .

We are living in tough times now, so every once in a while I need to take a breather. Here are some lighthearted items that I enjoyed -- I hope you do too.

From The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce --

alone: in bad company
egotist: a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me
misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses
peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting
quotation: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another
success: the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows


some jokes --

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."


A lawyer sent a note to a client: "Dear Jim: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25."


"Grandma, I ate all the peanuts in the candy dish."
"That's okay. Since I lost my dentures, I can only suck the chocolate off them anyway."


Why was the archaeologist depressed? His career was in ruins.

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says, "Beer, please, and one for the road."


A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A psychologist is a man who, when a beautiful woman enters the room, watches everyone else. A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a woman who used to think she liked small children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.


Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great.