Some words of wisdom

I took the following from an old Car Talk show. Tom and Ray crack me up.


"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
Dave Barry

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
Paula Poundstone

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow! You're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
George Carlin

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: duh."
Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my goodness... I could be eating a slow learner.'"
Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot... and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin," and "Keep away from children."